From 10-10-06 Journal entry
“God spoke to me so clearly this week and said, “Darla, nothing’s changing because nothing’s changing.” I get the urgent sense that He is waiting for me! That He has so much to give me if I will just step out in faith. I am becoming more and more aware and utterly amazed by the awareness, that God is offering me the chance to leave the fellowship. It’s OK to go somewhere else. God knows how desperately I have been praying about this for years. He also keeps bringing that verse to mind where He says, “He is going to do a new thing, that the former things are passed away and that He is making a new way” (2 Cr 5:17). In fact, He says it is already begun! And yes, it has! I never ever thought I’d be in this position. Not ever. However, it has just been so in my journey. He knows my needs. He knew I needed personal space. That I needed more and more of Him. I needed more depth of fellowship with others. I needed to be more real, open and heartfelt. I needed to get to the root of serving God; not just the form. I needed His Word dwelling richly in my life. I needed to live in the Light as never before. And He has given me every single one of those things.
Lastly, in Him, I am new. I am forgiven. I AM NEW! The fellowship will never let me be new. I will always be labeled an ex-worker, or as someone who didn’t quite fit in. Perhaps this is just my own perception and some of them may disagree with that. I know it was a struggle for me, letting others become new after knowing their past.”
I don’t know how to convey here how desperately and earnestly I was praying those days. I had never prayed like that before. Like I’ve written on this blog previously, I was terrified of being deceived and/or making the wrong decision. I know how it feels after making an important decision and then days, weeks, hours or even years later, you regret it and would do anything to undo it. In the 6 ½ years since I have left the meetings, I have never once felt regret. It was the right thing to do. I know that. It’s important to me that my friends and co-workers know that I did not make the decision to leave on my own, or on a whim, or an act of rebellion against God or anyone, or because I had a grudge or an agenda. I wasn’t mad at anyone. There are some people I am happy that I don’t have to be around again, however! The feeling is probably mutual. But had I stayed, God’s grace would have been more than sufficient to help all parties involved get through any awkward moments.
Scripture was coming alive to me then in new and fresh ways. I had to guard against manipulating the Word to fit my circumstances. At that time in my life, after already making the life changing decision to leave the Work for good, to now hear God say He was doing some new in me, it melted my heart. He wasn’t done with me! All my life wasn’t behind me. He was not patching up my former life but instead, giving me something entirely new. What an amazing thing it was. I was seeing and experiencing His grace over and over again.