From 10-10-06 Journal entry
“God spoke to me so clearly this week and said, “Darla, nothing’s changing because nothing’s changing.” I get the urgent sense that He is waiting for me! That He has so much to give me if I will just step out in faith. I am becoming more and more aware and utterly amazed by the awareness, that God is offering me the chance to leave the fellowship. It’s OK to go somewhere else. God knows how desperately I have been praying about this for years. He also keeps bringing that verse to mind where He says, “He is going to do a new thing, that the former things are passed away and that He is making a new way” (2 Cr 5:17). In fact, He says it is already begun! And yes, it has! I never ever thought I’d be in this position. Not ever. However, it has just been so in my journey. He knows my needs. He knew I needed personal space. That I needed more and more of Him. I needed more depth of fellowship with others. I needed to be more real, open and heartfelt. I needed to get to the root of serving God; not just the form. I needed His Word dwelling richly in my life. I needed to live in the Light as never before. And He has given me every single one of those things.
Lastly, in Him, I am new. I am forgiven. I AM NEW! The fellowship will never let me be new. I will always be labeled an ex-worker, or as someone who didn’t quite fit in. Perhaps this is just my own perception and some of them may disagree with that. I know it was a struggle for me, letting others become new after knowing their past.”
I don’t know how to convey here how desperately and earnestly I was praying those days. I had never prayed like that before. Like I’ve written on this blog previously, I was terrified of being deceived and/or making the wrong decision. I know how it feels after making an important decision and then days, weeks, hours or even years later, you regret it and would do anything to undo it. In the 6 ½ years since I have left the meetings, I have never once felt regret. It was the right thing to do. I know that. It’s important to me that my friends and co-workers know that I did not make the decision to leave on my own, or on a whim, or an act of rebellion against God or anyone, or because I had a grudge or an agenda. I wasn’t mad at anyone. There are some people I am happy that I don’t have to be around again, however! The feeling is probably mutual. But had I stayed, God’s grace would have been more than sufficient to help all parties involved get through any awkward moments.
Scripture was coming alive to me then in new and fresh ways. I had to guard against manipulating the Word to fit my circumstances. At that time in my life, after already making the life changing decision to leave the Work for good, to now hear God say He was doing some new in me, it melted my heart. He wasn’t done with me! All my life wasn’t behind me. He was not patching up my former life but instead, giving me something entirely new. What an amazing thing it was. I was seeing and experiencing His grace over and over again.
Darla DenHerder ~ Opening My Heart 
Hi Darla, Dennis… I like others, first felt I must stay IN so as to be a Light and a help to others struggling with the same issues as I did all the long years preciously…. but in the 13 years I have remained, I think you could count only two people who have seen SOME of the Light God showed me into through me. Even then, they have back pedaled fast out of fear! And then mainly avoided me henceforth!
I realise now, it takes ears that hear, to hear… and that it is the LORD who will show people…. not me. (This is a huge topic and cannot be expressed here).
I would be interested to know sometime, the statistics for those who have had Christ and Truth revealed while in the meetings (2x2s) through another enlightened person, or from their own private search for Truth.
The stronghold in them is very, very strong.
And if that doesn’t get them, then the spirit of fear will be waiting to enslave them as quick as wink!
Love this blog so much.
xxDarla
Caroline
I wouldn’t mind thinking it is a far higher percentage who searched privately.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Caroline,
I think you are right; more people get their revelation of Jesus on their own from God rather than through an enlightened person. God alone can give a revelation. I have been told and I will tell it to you, that you don’t know how many seeds have been sowed by your words and actions. Most though will run in fear and give you a wide berth; that I know from experience. I was just having a conversation last evening with someone on this very subject! Trust Him!
LikeLike
I would just like to add here my thoughts. I am letting God open the doors. I have complete trust that there will be a very definite sign for me to leave or to continue. This just has taken away so much of my “worry” and “thinking what do I do?”. I have given up desiring for others to be out of bondage, and have instead concentrated on being myself. To live my own truth. And know that God has been very gently and wonderfully showing me this truth for 20 years!! I have been told in Spirit that I can leave whenever I please. To that answer I decided to continue to be a light for God within the fellowship. I listen to my gut and health carefully, knowing that my body will let me know when I am doing too much. I have no fear of anyone, something I am so thankful for.
This year another interesting personal awareness has come to light, and that is that while the fellowship meetings are still lovely in our area as we have so many like-minded attendees, the gospel preaching is now hard to bear. This is simply because I can see and hear so clearly the “bucking against” what is happening within the group, the false being brought into the open and the real “truth” being revealed. I can actually see a pattern happening…the younger worker is preaching what Jesus preached…how to have a relationship with God…but the older “traditional worker” is preaching how to have a relationship with the group or the people. This is a huge conflict and division. I have been thinking a lot of where Jesus says that “a house divided against itself cannot stand” and feel this really does apply to the church.
If people are not honest, especially the workers, in time it doesn’t really matter, because Truth (whatever it is about anything) can NOT be hidden. It certainly will be sad for many when they will look back and realise that it would have been so much better to use the best policy which is honesty. But these are lessons that everyone has to learn in life. And they will be learnt. Thanks for everything you have shared Darla.
LikeLike
Chrissy, your post REALLY strikes a chord with me. I went to Button Willow 1 this past weekend. On the way home my wife and I were talking about how we really got nothing of substance out of the older sisters and brothers. However, many of the prayers and testimonies of the people spoke to our hearts. Since we are forbidden fellowship, we have no dog in the fight, so-to-speak. We are always desirous of God speaking to US through whatever means He chooses. We see clearly what you are speaking about. I respect your open-ness and honesty. I know we all pray that the “Truth” as revealed in Jesus will prevail. The world is in such need of the pure Gospel. It is so sad to see it mishandled and outright perverted. I, like you, am so grateful for the liberty from what men think. Stay the course, Chrissy, and you, Darla. God is using you to witness the real “Truth. I hope he uses me, too.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing! 🙂 Love it! Can find myself relating in so many ways, friend. We have a lot fo work out and work through, and even years down the road we may think we have worked through most of it but yet we haven’t. Enjoyed reading! http://mandymom.com
LikeLike
I’ve found the process is taking years!! It’s exhausing at times. Thanks for writing.
LikeLike
Darla,
Thank you for your blog. It is a great ministry to some very needy hearts. I understand and appreciate everything you have shared. Please keep writing! God is using your blog for more than you realize. I have been blessed and encouraged by it.
LikeLike
Julie,
Thank you! I have been busy and preoccupied this week so haven’t posted anything new since Sunday. I am going to TRY to get something posted today! I am thrilled the blog is being used by God. That is all I want.
LikeLike
Darla and Dennis, you both have expressed so well the liberty and joy that comes when we learn to trust the prompting of the Holy Spirit. When we follow the Spirit we will always be enriched even if it means suffering the cross for a little while. It lifts my heart immensely to read of your journey(s) not because of where you came from as much as where you are going. I pray that our Father will continue to have liberty to deliver us all from the constraints of Man’s doctrine, teaching, and our own will. Love to you both….
LikeLike
Darla, I have appreciated your emphasis on the NEWNESS of your life and relationships after your eyes were opened to the truth and liberty in Christ. That has been our thrilling experience also – new life, new vision, new understanding, new hope, new liberty, new peace, new joy, new gratitude, new relationships with the Father and Son, new spiritual fellowship, new appreciation for the timeless and universal truths spoken by Jesus, and on and on …. The wonderfulness of all that is new has made it so much easier to leave the old in the past, never to be missed or regretted because God has graciously gifted us with something so much better!
As you have suggested, the wonderful journey to new life and liberty in Christ, often begins with simply giving our conscience permission (“It’s okay.”) to leave the bondage of old beliefs and behaviors. Actual execution, however, can be unnecessarily delayed with the thought that somehow the old can or will change or that the spiritual renewal we are experiencing by the grace of God will be also be experienced by others if we linger. Eventually, through the patient working of the Holy Spirit, the desire to leave the old and embrace the new is transcended by a strong conviction of the need to leave (“I must!”), as you have also acknowledged. Many of the beliefs, thoughts, attitudes and behaviors of the past simply become unhealthy toxins to our new life in Christ.
Although we would have never dreamed or expected that the fears of leaving what we had once embraced so tightly could be overcome, the joys of deliverance, new life and liberty in Christ have made that possible and we are so grateful.
LikeLike
Dennis,
You have completed the thread of thought I started! Several of the things you mentioned have been brought up in visits I’ve had recently and so, a heartfelt thank you for sharing your experience4. I agree completely. I, too, thought for a long while I should stay in the fellowship to perhaps be a catalyst for change even in a small way. I wanted so desperately to find others on the same journey I was on. I wanted the new life I was finding to somehow fit in to the old. But, like you said, it can’t and eventually I had to move on. That was your experience and that was mine. As painful as it was at the time, it was also very freeing and liberating. A paradox.
LikeLiked by 1 person