Should I or shouldn’t I?

Hi blogger world!  I know….I know…..I haven’t posted anything for months.  I’ve been going through a strange phase and nearly every day I am posed with the question, “Should I write about this (or that) or shouldn’t I?”  For some reason and somewhere along the line, I became fearful of being vulnerable and open here.  Fearful of what my critics are saying.  Hurt at how they are misunderstanding me and judging my motives incorrectly.  So, potentially everything I thought about writing was immediately deleted.

Initially I stopped posting here because I felt like I had said everything I needed to say. Lately, a few new topics have come to mind that I think would be good for thought but I freeze up when I start to actually write them down.

I have realized that I MISS hearing from my readers. I miss the connection and community we had here.  And not only do I miss it, I NEED it.  (Even that is scary for me to admit in this format because I start imagining  what some of the friends or workers are saying)  I have isolated myself more and more the last few years to protect myself from being further hurt and while I am an introvert and love and need to be alone a lot of the time, I do need more live connection in my life. So, I hope I still have some kind readers out there who will listen and read and comment.   I have an AMAZING group of gal friends that are the best ever; unfortunately we live all over this country and so we don’t get to see each other very often but they are my community and my church and I couldn’t survive without them, but I need you guys also.

So, without further ado, I will make a real effort to write about a specific topic in the near future and let it loose into cyber space and pray like mad that God will protect me and whisper, “Fear not” in my ear once again and my heart will be still.

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22 thoughts on “Should I or shouldn’t I?

  1. Thank you Darla for returning to blogging, many weeks and months I would check to see if there was a new post. You put into words much of which I can’t express but I am glad to learn from your walk with the Lord.

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  2. Hi again Darla, thank you for your commentary and I am just as glad as others here who have shared their stories. Just a reminder to you, you are a big help to those of us who’ve had an awakening (knowing the followers of “the Truth” see us as blind, lost, wretched etc.)

    I remember when I wrote a very long letter to my dad about my new found beliefs and how the strictures and dogma of my youth would no longer serve me. Leaving the meetings a few years ago was one of the most enlightening experiences I can recall. No longer was I burdened with the continual barrage of fear, guilt and shame from every angle, but I was also free of the need to judge and condemn everyone else who wasn’t “just like us”.

    I (with my new wife) now attend a different church, one that actually welcomes everyone and and refuses to condemn others and their beliefs. It is quite a blessing to be relieved of things that are contradictory to the teachings of Jesus and to allow his true message to reign instead of having to follow a set of specific rules.

    So, thank you for not listening to the naysayers and keep on doing what you do here. You are a blessing since there are so very few who understand the culture as we knew it. 🙂

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    • Adam,
      I appreciate your comments so much. They are rich, deep and real. I am very happy for your freedom and for you and your wife are now enjoying. You will be able possibly to relate to the next post I am publishing today at some point.

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  3. I’m happy you’ve made another start at putting your heart down into words. I think God helps us be bold and get through our fear when we just take a step in that direction. I think much of the fear we feel is because we know the reactions we had to those who left. It’s Satan’s biggest tool. But God’s bigger!

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  4. Hi Darla! This post really touches me, as it says a lot of what I’m thinking, too! I’m not a blogger (err – I have a blog, but I haven’t posted there in about 4 years), as I assume that no one would want to read what I have to say, or that what I have to say would be completely misunderstood. Please know that your courage/strength to post what you post is only putting into words what many others (including myself) are thinking!! I think that’s something that that religion took away from us: a voice, and the courage/strength to “own” that voice. Please keep posting!!! (:

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    • Boy are you right on about the meeting group taking away our voice, courage/strength to own our voices. Although I actually think Satan stole mine. He knows my weaknesses as well as my strengths and he preys on both any way he can. Even though we all risk being misunderstood by members of the meeting church, we do have a community of people who do understand and support us and that is very needful. We need each other.

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  5. Darla! It’s so good to hear from you again! It’s a year since I left the meetings, and I am where I am today because of all you shared, I have missed your blogs, and am so glad you are going to start again.
    I too love to be alone, and need my own space, and it’s easy to isolate ones self, to keep at bay those who may want to fire a few fiery darts!!
    All you share, even through your sense of vulnerability, has helped me, and I am so glad you are coming back, I am in a place where I am experiencing a deeper relationship with God, but still have no place to worship with fellow Christians, I see, and speak with one or two ex friends, and it’s good to share with them.
    I am waiting for the future to be opened up, in Gods time.
    Fear not!! Darla, can’t wait to read all you have to share.

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    • Thanks for understanding the “why” behind some of the isolation. Self protection. One of the ex-friends told me I was super foolish to even start the blog because of what people will say/think but thank goodness I did not listen to him. Writing has been therapeutic and brought me much joy as well. Thank you, from my heart, for the welcome back.

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      • So true! Isolation = Self protection!

        We left 7 months ago and the ONE thing which has been an issue to me personally, is facing people in the fellowship who are not ‘with me’ in my decision. Fortunately I have a really lovely (small but very true) bunch of friends inside still who love us and have made no difference, and our decision not to attend anymore didn’t affect their spirits or anything in our friendships! They also support us when in conversations with others IN.

        UNfortunately it’s not the same with my own close family members which has grieved me. But I do understand, because before the Lord opened my eyes, I was them! Mercy is hard to find within my heart sometimes, but God has helped me in this struggle!

        My main problem in leaving is one thing only: coming across those who do not understand. Many of those are dear friends, but seeing into their incredibly sad, grieving and mournful (and questioning) eyes, almost undoes me. Therefore, I too have isolated myself. I do not like myself for doing that!

        Recently I finally decided to ‘brave’ the mall! God brought to mind Corrie ten Boom who was standing in line before Hitlers soldiers, for inspection.. She held a Bible, so precious to them. The Bible would not only be taken, but she would be punished. So she asked God to spread Angels covering wings around her so they would not see the Bible. Sure enough, it was done! The simply did not see a Bible there in her hands in plain view.

        So in going to the mall, I asked the same thing, but asking that if there was anyone the Lord was wanting me to meet, then I would not be hidden. Off i went, into that mall, nervous, but hanging on mighty tightly to my Daddy’s Hand in trust!!

        Suddenly a woman was coming towards me. I reckon i squeezed Papas Hand so tightly I almost twisted it off!!! Big fat fear! My trust was so thin it was hardly there… But in that moment, I knew that HE held MY hand, rather than me holding His!!

        Well, this woman came right past me, we were almost brushing arms. Her eyes looked into mine. I took a deep breath, pasted a smile on my face and opened my mouth to say, ‘Hello xxxxx” but!!! She passed me by! She never even saw me. It was phenomenal! I will remember that incident forever!

        Well if I didn’t want to dance and shout and sing! Praise God! If you had seen me after that, you would have seen a woman with the biggest, fattest smile you ever did see with the highest spring in her step ever!

        That was the beginning of healing from fear.

        I have continued to pray the same prayer each time, in fact, even over who calls at home, and truly, honestly, God is faithful. Some we have been seen by and afterwards you KNOW it was supposed to be that way. I could tell you a number of miraculous stories about this.

        It’s good to share, isn’t it! So encouraging!
        Thanks Darla, for enabling me to express my growing exciting wonderful trust in our dearest Papa!!

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        • Oh Caroline I have been waiting for months to hear from you and it was worth the wait! You are so amazing and I have always been in awe of your faith and trust in God. What a wonderful story you shared here. It is HARD to run into someone still in meetings….we all know that. But I am going to start praying the same thing you did from now on! I know this comment of yours will inspire many. Thank you, from my heart, for writing.

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        • Dearest Darla, thank you again!
          I just wanted to add a comment on your comment that “It is hard to run into someone still in meetings”.
          The Lord showed me something laughable!

          When we were IN the meetings, we felt ODD in the mall as we were DIFFERENT. (I personally think we also wear a cloak of SMUGNESS to cover our feeling of being odd. It’s the only way to elevate ourselves above the cloak of feeling odd!)
          Now we have left, we feel fear meeting those same people!
          And WHO are the messed up ones?
          I am in fear of them??????

          Wow, what a crazy crazy thing. So we have to get all things cleared up in our hearts and then walk free. I have to remind myself of this often.

          1/ Was i moved by the Lord to leave? Was my exit of God, or of my flesh?
          2/ Am in in PEACE (not fleshly defiance!) as I leave my home, in my decisiyon, my clothes, (and anything else we might feel fear about).

          If I can answer yes, and it is the TRUTH before all of Heaven, then I can hold His Hand and trust. Whatever will then be, will be! Que Sera sera!

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  6. Please dont stop communicating. We “left” 30+ years ago and just reconnected with old “friends” who left 3 or so years ago. They are the first people we have ever been able to talk to about this in 30 years!. And you are the only live person i just happened to find amidst the extensive volumes of information now available on the internet. We read The Secret Sect nonstop cover to cover. You have been so encouraging to me as you have confirmed thoughts and feelings ive had for 30 years. Would it be possible to communicate with you via email?

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  7. I am so glad you have decided to write again. I, for one, receive so much encouragement from you. You are a wise lady and I know the Source of that wisdom. Thank you Darla for “sticking your neck out” for others. 🙂
    Vicki

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  8. I pray that He will whisper “Fear not” to you. I miss your blogs so much! I am also misunderstood and judged. Sometimes it still hurts. I understand. I love your blogs and look forward to the next one!

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