From 5-24-10 Journal Entry
“I keep hearing You remind me that one Your specialties is being the Redeemer. You have redeemed me, but redeem my life again! Lamentations 3:58 “You have redeemed my life.” To think that You can redeem my life and redeem me even now is beyond my comprehension, Father. I want so much to believe this is really true. Does that verse really apply to me? If You could redeem the years that often now feel like they were wasted; years when I was so blind. What does my redeemed life now look like to You? I need to see my redeemed life as You see it.
You knew where my journey in life would take me. You knew I would end up in this place right now, right here. You knew what I would be struggling with. You knew the amazing break through I would have with You by now and You knew where I would still be stuck.”
From 5-29-10 Journal Entry
“God knew me and saw me from the beginning. He knew the church I was being raised in. He called me to salvation as a child. He called me to know Him better, to know His Word better. By some miracle, I responded. I followed His voice. It wasn’t that He called me into the Work; He was calling me to get to know Him, and in that church, perhaps that was the easiest and most unencumbered way. Through the years, He just kept calling me to Him; to a deeper fellowship with Him and to freedom in Him. So, I was in His will and I am in His will. The Work wasn’t His will but following Him was His will.”
It was good for me to re-read these words again because I often come back and struggle with thinking all my time in the Work were wasted years. They were some really good years; it was only the last few that my frustration with the system kept growing. But once I left the meetings, I started comparing myself with my peers who were married, had careers, children, homes, etc and that is when I would get mad about all those “wasted” years. Why does my life have to be so weird? (That is how I felt about it.)
I Googled regret and there are hundreds of quotes but here is one too perfect for me:
“She needs a new journal. The one she has is problematic. To get to the present, she needs to page through the past, and when she does, she remembers things, and her new journal entries become, for the most part, reactions to the days she regrets, wants to correct, rewrite.”
― Dave Eggers, How the Water Feels to the Fishes
I think he might be on to something……
The apostle Paul, in his very cryptic way said to “Forget the past and press towards what is ahead.” Easier said than done, Paul, but he is right. Isn’t it interesting how so much of this has to do with our thoughts? Paul must have struggled with thoughts too because he also wrote about thinking about things that are pure, lovely, true, of good report, etc. God uses and redeems the years in ways that we often don’t see for a long while. He also knows exactly what each of us needs and for Him, it’s more about our relationship with Him than the journey itself.
I don’t want to regret those years; I want to be at peace with them.