From 5-12-07 journal entry (in grey)
I am so thankful again today that God did a new thing in me and for me. He has made everything new to me.
I needed revival and He sent it.
We sing, ‘Send revival! Send revival!” and He did and He does. That was what I needed so much the last few years in the Work. Revival.
Habakkuk 3:2 “Revive us in the midst of the years.” (KJV)
Seldom was there anything new and exciting.
I knew God was from everlasting but He was also always new and definitely exciting.
I wasn’t looking for anything apart from God; that never entered my head.
I wanted something new and exciting in God.
His ways are past finding out, yes, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t search for His ways.
I wanted the eyes of my understanding enlightened.
To know the exceeding greatness of His power to us who believe.
I wanted to see the breadth, the length, the depth and the height of who He is; and be filled with the fullness of God. (Ephesians 1:18-23)
I believed He could do exceedingly more than I could ever ask or think.
I needed to live in the hope and reality of those verses.
I needed to serve that God; not the very small God I had been told about my entire life.
I saw so little and thus asked for so little.
I did not want to end up like so many middle-aged and older workers who were resigned to mediocrity, not expecting much of God or of each other. One co-laborer told me it was a sign of maturity to not get excited about things. They live a quiet and peaceable life and I cherish that also. They have a love and faith in God, but through the years I just saw more and more resignation, and not in a good way. It was the attitude; “This is the way it is; this is the way it will be.”
For years it was a good life for me; but it wasn’t full enough, deep enough, real enough.
I wanted and desperately needed more of God.
I wanted to surround myself with people who also felt the same.
If we ask for little, He will give us little.
I didn’t realize I could ask God for great things and He was delighted to bless His people.
I realized that what I was asking for and needing could not be found in the fellowship; it could only be found in God.
James 4:2 “You do not have, because you do not ask God.”
My heart yearns and breaks for friends and workers I know who really do want more of God, and believed there should be more.
Who want to experience more love, more joy, more peace and yet they feel so stuck.
Stuck in tradition, stuck in fear, and in others expectations.
Staying where it is comfortable in one sense and yet so uncomfortable in another sense.
Oh Father, You know who they are and where they are. Deal with them powerfully and mightily like you did in me.
Create in them a restlessness that grows and grows until they finally have to act upon it.
Make them very aware that this very restlessness is You so they don’t try to rationalize it away like they’ve been taught.
It’s ok to want more out of life, to want and expect great things from You.
And Father, somehow, oh somehow reach the friends and workers who are living on antidepressants to survive.
Who have given up on feeling because that is the only way they can cope with the fears and frustrations the fellowship promotes.
Help them identify the real problem; the deadness of their beliefs.
They are not the problem!
Help them to know the reality of Psalm 63:8
“My soul follows hard after thee.”
As the song says,
“Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me a glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You.”
(End of Journal Entry)
That was a long journal entry I know. A song that I listened to over and over again when I was battling it out with God about what to do with the fellowship itself was called “Brave” by Nicole Nordeman. I would play it in the car and sing it with tears and a quaking voice but it was my lifeline. Here are the lyrics.
The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind
And quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
It’s safe and sound and
Until now it’s where I’ve been
‘Cause it’s been fear that ties me down to everything
But it’s been love, Your love, that cuts the strings
So long, status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
I am small
And I speak when spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all