Where my heart needed to be

From 6-8-06 journal entry

A quote from “Captivating” by Staci Eldridge: “….the true fellowship of those whose hearts are captured for Jesus, who have become his intimate allies.  You want to offer yourself to those who thirst for what you have.  If its not wanted where you are, ask Jesus what He wants you to do.  If you are called, God will make a way. Either where you are or through a change of circumstances.  Follow Him; respond to His invitations.  With Him, there is no stopping you.  Do you need to change your situation — find a true fellowship where your heart is wanted and where you are among those who want what you want?”

That is it. That is why I’m drawn to TRF (my church now) and not to meetings.  My heart is not wanted in meetings.  I feel like they only want me there; not my heart.  I am not finding hearts there that want what I want.

One of the Scriptures I feel was misunderstood by the fellowship was Malachi 3:6 “I the Lord do not change.”  The verse is true and there is true comfort in that statement.

Does God change His mind about things?  Say, how He felt about something 100 years ago or 500 years ago? God is all knowing and All in All.  He already knows how everything and everyone is going to turn out. So, there is nothing to change.  He doesn’t have a Plan B for my life; He simply has a Plan.  If I screw up, He still has a Plan because He already knows the end from the beginning.

What I never understood before was His great passion for me.  He will change my direction as many times as necessary in order for me to become more and more like Jesus.  He changed the directions of people all the time in the Bible.  God loves me too much to leave me in a place where I was miserable.  Where my hearts desire was not being met.

I was changing; that was obvious.  Was I just a rebel? Was I just not submitting to the powers that be?  Was I choosing to no longer fit into the expectations of the group?  Anyone who knew me then, knew I was always a little on the edge.  I often remember what one brother worker buddy once said to me, “Darla, if you were a brother worker you’d have a lot more liberty to say what you are wanting to say.”  I was a woman in a male-dominated system. By my own admission, I’ve always had authority issues.  I still have them today when my boss asks me things to do that I don’t want to do, or simply the way he says them rubs me wrong.  But I now know to pray like mad for the grace to surrender to God’s authority and His Word in this matter.  Should I have known that years ago?  Yes, and I did but I didn’t always do it.

I am not a risk taker.  I’m a very conservative person.  So, for me to leave the fellowship was way beyond huge for me.  The biggest leap of faith ever.  By the time I actually made that jump, I knew I wasn’t taking a risk.  I knew the Lord was right there with me.  I knew I was following Him in this.  I had to know that.  That is why it took me 3 years to leave.

Once I saw so clearly that belonging to a group was NOT a determining factor in my salvation, then I was free to leave.  All churches are started by men or women, even if the Holy Spirit is leading them to do so, but all people are sinners.  So, I couldn’t dare to put my one precious soul in the hands of men.

Who I meet with, is just that.  Who I meet with.  Each person has to find a group that is a right fit for them within the Word of God.  It is the Lord Jesus Christ alone who has saved me.  No one else.


6 thoughts on “Where my heart needed to be

  1. I am so enjoying your blog! The realization came to me last night so very clearly, there is no blog, no forum, no book (other than God’s written word), no internet advice and no friendly advice (although I so appreciate and cherish their love and care), that will lead me to Christ better than through and in Him! But I am so lost…times I feel my prayers, the cry of my heart goes no further than the rooftop. So I will keep at it. You say it took you 3 years to make that leap of faith…I will give God all the time He needs, all the time He allows me, if I can taste that pure water Christ promised to the woman at the well…never to thirst again! I want to know Christ and to love Him as you’ve so beautifully expressed. Thank you for the expressions of your own heart, your own journey, that in so sharing have encouraged others of us along the way!


    • Kris,
      Bless your heart! God WILL lead and guide you. One key element that helped me was the revelation that “Perfect love casts out fear because fear has torment.” Only the KJV has that last phrase. I was literally tormented those last few months and I finally understood that fear does NOT come from God. But instead, God’s perfect love will cast out our fear.

      Thanks for the encouragement also to keep writing. I will!



  2. Great post! I have often marveled at how that verse in Malachi and other similar verses have been twisted to defend “the fellowship” never changing! All Christian groups have problems because they are composed of human beings. Men and their systems need to change periodically as “humanity” is so easily manipulated by the enemy of our soul. God is unchangeable in his love and intent towards his children. He has to change how he deals with us based on how we exercise our will. He respects our will. I am glad that he gives us forgiveness when we repent of our wrong and grace to help resist bad choices. The only way we can have fellowship with anyone is if we have fellowship with God and then we see evidence of that same fellowship in others. My friend, Debra, said something very profound about this. She wants to approach everyone as though they “profess Christ”. She would separate herself with love and without judgement only after discovering they do NOT love God, at present, and she could Not have fellowship with them. Rejection by the group is what brought me into closer fellowship with God. I now have fellowship with people from many different groups including many still attending meetings in other parts of the country who do not follow the doctrines so prevalent here in the West.


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